billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
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Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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