I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
