I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
