I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
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