His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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