did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
