i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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