please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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