hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
