think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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