They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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