GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
