But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
