Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
