his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
