I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
