i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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