I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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