I faked an abortion last night.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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