My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
