if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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