I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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