Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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