Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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