btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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