I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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