Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
