I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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