im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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