operation harelip BJ is a go
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
