I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
