i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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