...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
