youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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