The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
