Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
