pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
