And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
