The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
