life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my shit smells like andre
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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