i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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