you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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