Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it's like iHOP with fire
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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