You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I supernannyed him into submission
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
