the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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