I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
