i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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