need another drink. this is the easiest way
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I need moral support for this bender
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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