i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize