I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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