so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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