Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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