I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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