nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
