i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
